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Dark Shadows

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I have never seen the original Dark Shadows, so I am coming in to this with only the trailers giving me pre-conceived notions. Being a Johnny Depp and Tim Burton vehicle, I expected more. All I could mange was a few giggles and stifle even more yawns.

Barnabus’ (Johnny Depp) family came to America in 1750 to expand their fishing business. The expansion was a success and the town was named Collinsport. Barnabas becomes a man, and Angelique  falls in love with him. She expresses her love to Barnabus, but it is unrequited. He instead falls in love with Josette. Angelique kills Barnabas’ parents, causes Josette to kill herself and curses him to be a vampire. (From what I have learned about vampire lore from books and other movies, a vampire is not created by casting a spell.) At some point after the curse, Angelique gets a mob to attack and bury the monster. He is set free in 1972 to find the family business and estate in ruins. Angie and her “ancestors”, have been running the company that has dominated Collinsport since Barnabas had “gone away.” (They neglected to say who exactly took over the business as the principal players were out of commission.)

The story seems to be based on 3 shaky topics- showing how comically out of place Barnabas is, needless sex references (specifically with Angelique [Eva Green] &  Doctor Hoffman), and depicting how obsessed Angelique is. More on this later…

The other players had potential to add to the story that was never explored, or was left on the virtual cutting room floor. It felt like everyone was just a backdrop to support Depp’s greatness. Here’s who we could have learned more about:

David Collins (Gulliver McGrath) – Descendant of Barnabas who is considered troubled because he can see and speak to ghosts, specifically his dead mother.

Dr Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter) – She is the consistently hung over, onsite psychiatrist who has been treating David for his “condition.” (There doesn’t seem to be much of a condition, except in the conversations about it.)

Roger Collins (Jonny Lee Miller) – David’s never present dad. We do learn one more important thing about his character later…

Carolyn Stoddard (Chloë Grace Moretz) – David’s older sister. A 15 yr old growing up in an unquestionably crazy situation, with nowhere to turn.

Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote) – David’s nanny, as if having your own live in doctor is not enough.

Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Haley) – The drunken, underutilized caretaker.

David’s mother (Josephine Butler) – Or should I say the ghost of. She was introduced to us as a child masquerading as a ghost. A ghost in a sheet. Really? I think they wrote her in so she could be recalled to help add absolutely nothing to the haphazard, confusing ending.

What I took away from this is that no matter how powerful, successful, pretty or smart a woman is, she can still be monumentally crazy. 200 years after Barnabus’ imprisonment, Angie has built an empire, is (still) a witch, and haves whatever she wants. Except the love of a single man. When she learns that Barnabas has risen, she attempts to get him back.

I don’t know where Tim was headed with this one, but he missed the exit.

John Carter

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John CarterBefore I start this review, I would like to make sure I have the attention of the person(s) responsible for Star Wars – Episodes 1, 2 & 3. Are you out there, are you listening? Good… The massive [correct use of ] technology was required to tell this type of story, it was not a vehicle to show off how much time was put into design and computer processing ability. And “Oh, yeah… let’s try and build crappy story around it.”

John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) is a normal earth man, and a civil war vet, who finds himself transported to Mars (known as Barsoom to the inhabitants) and caught between warring factions. As Mars has lower gravity than Earth, John soon finds he has some enhanced abilities. Upon his arrival, he is discovered by Tars Tarkas, (Willem Dafoe) leader of the Tharks. Tharks are a race of tall, bipedal, four armed, green skinned, nomadic beings that inhabit Mars.

Did I forget to mention the Humans, (or at least human-like)? Yeah, there are some of those too. I was scratching my head about this, and then eventually let it go. There are two factions of “humans”, the city of Helium, of whom Deja Thoris (Lynn Collins), is their princess. (Deja is freaking incredible!) Sab Than (Dominic West), is the leader of Zodanga, a traveling city of destruction and the sworn enemy of Helium. Mark Strong makes a very memorable appearance as Matai Shang, a mysterious manipulator with (obviously) his own interests in the outcome of the conflict.

I cannot speak to the books by Edgar Rice Burroughs on which this movie is based, but the following comments are grounded in seeing this movie today, and the films that have come before it. Is John Carter the most imaginative piece of work I’ve ever seen? No. Is space travel/teleportation a unique concept? No. Do we see shades of other scifi, fantasy, love stories and aliens that will look familiar? Most definitely. Then why should I see this movie? As the answer parents give when they don’t want to explain everything, “Because I said so…”

John Carter has some flaws and a few inconsistencies, but I was so involved in enjoying myself, I didn’t care. It is fun, engaging, fanciful and the characters actually make me give a shit about what is happening to them. There will most likely not be any academy award nominations for best dramatic anything, but you will come away having enjoyed that 2hr 19min.

I have purposefully avoided focusing on some of the flaws of the film, because for the type of story and adventure John Carter is, I do not think they are important. Instead of trying to pick them out, sit back, relax and prepare to whisked away. Pay attention to Earth side story as well. It is important background (and just as entertaining as the off planet story) of how John Carter has become, and will become, the man we see on Mars. The Earth story also includes a special appearance by one of my favorites, Bryan Cranston.

3D is still useless. It blends ok in normal scenes, (I still don’t feel like I can reach out and touch the flying ship.) In action sequences is an abysmal and unnecessary distraction. Save the extra $ and see it in 2D.

Safe House

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I’m not sure in which genre to categorize this film… Is it a thriller, a drama, action? Or a bit of all three. And very well done in all respects.

Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington) is a CIA operative that has gone rogue and has been at large for about 10 years. In this time, he has uncovered secrets, sold information, and caused havoc for the CIA and beyond.

Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds) has been the “housekeeper” in an extremely quiet section of Johannesburg for almost a year and he is itching to get out in the field. Matt’s handler, David Barlow (Brendan Gleeson) explains that he has no field experience. But to get a field position, he needs experience, but cannot get experience because he is stuck at the safe house.  See his dilemma?

Tobin has been in Johannesburg, doing what he does best and has come up against a situation he could not immediately escape. So his best option was to walk in the US embassy and be taken into custody. From there he becomes a “houseguest” of Weston’s.

And then, “SURPRISE!”, Weston gets his wish. Somehow, the super secret Safe House has been compromised by the very same people who nearly captured Frost earlier. Like a good host, Weston escorts his guest to new accommodations. (And Robert Patrick gets Steven Seagal‘d, a la Executive Decision.)

While in transit, there are a few bumps, bruises, gunshots and deaths, and most importantly, a mystery to be solved. How was Frost found?

It was good to see Ryan Reynolds acting again! From some of his recent movies, I was getting the impression he was going down the road that Jim Carrey had named after him, “Be the same Freakin Character, but in a Different Movie” lane.

Denzel does a very good job as the quiet, cerebral, and physically capable asset who “…literally rewrote the book on interrogation.” He has to be all of these things for us to believe he has survived hiding from one of, if not the most capable organizations at tracking people in the world.

Nora Arnezeder plays Ana Moreau, Weston’s girlfriend. While she does not have a large part, I feel it is important and well executed. This time, the love story is germane to the story, so I am not opposed to it.

I only noticed a few logic flaws in Safe House. The most glaringly obvious of which was when Weston called his girlfriend from a public phone, the CIA did not lock on and track the source of the call. The reason this is a “problem” for me is the order to watch the girlfriend was given by Harlan Whitford (Sam Shepard), in a room full of agents, using multi million dollar technology to track Weston and Frost, and nobody is watching the phone?!?!? (And on that note, why was Weston stupid enough not to use a burn phone?)

The only other complaint I have is the camera work. Too much MTV quick cuts and Bourne Supremacy hand held crap, particularly during the fight scenes. Both Denzel and Ryan have been around the block enough to know how to handle themselves, let them show us!

Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus

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TheImaginariumofDrParnassusTerry Gilliam. The brilliant mind which gave us Time Bandits, Brazil, Adventures of Baron Munchausen, and multiple Monty Python films. Barring the fact that I was not on a chemically induced high, (which the promos implied that I would need to be), this was not one of my favorite Gilliam productions.

Instead of me trying to explain what the synopsis is, here is a link to the official website. (Trust me, it’s easier this way)

Now that you have read that, here is my take… I got the impression that this was supposed to be a historical Good vs Evil story, but it was more “Eh” vs Evil… Tom Waits was a clearly defined Devil figure, Christopher Plummer was the so-called “good” guy. My compassion level for the Doctor did not even register. He was supposed to be an enlightened person, (this is an assumption as he is shown leading a group of monks in storytelling/chanting)  and yet somehow (unconvincingly) gets duped by the devil, and continues to make ridiculously BAD decisions. After he figures out that that Mr. Nick is a force of evil, does he think that jumping in bed with him again and again again (in the form of wagers) is going to be a good thing, or that there is any way he will ever “win”?!? (Yes, it would make for a possibly much shorter movie if he had thought that way, but come on… make me believe it).

No disrespect to the late Mr. Ledger, but I was not feeling the magic that Heath has exuded in some of his memorable roles. (Of which, I expected this to be one) I am not saying he phoned it in, it was just not special for me. Tony’s story started as an interesting curiosity, found hung and left for dead under a bridge, and ended as a shameful disappointment.

The stand out character is Anton (Andrew Garfield). The awkward performance while promoting the traveling show is almost painful. His unrequited love for the lovely daughter of Dr Parnassus, Valentina (Lily Cole) can almost be felt (unless you have never been in love with someone you could never have). She the only positive result of the Doctor’s relationship with Mr. Nick.

I may have missed it, but other than some not so funny and possibly self loathing “comic” relief, what is the purpose of Percy (Verne Troyer)? He may be the Guardian Angel character, but it is unclear to me. He is shown in the past as one of the many monks, but also in the present and throughout history. We know (from the movie) that Dr. Parnassus has been granted immortality, but why is Percy pulled through time with him? (Sometimes I just need to be spoon fed information… )

Rating: 6 out of 10 stars